WHY ARE PEOPLE SO CRUEL?

i know you are all probably tired of my complaining about work.  but it never ceases to amaze me how people can proclaim to be Christian and say and do the things they do.  i am a sinner like everyone else.  but i would never say something to anyone, a friend or enemy,  that was of a personal nature and would hurt them. 

today was one of those days at work.  of course, saturdays are tough for us anyway, but today the employees made it even tougher.

one of my favorite community service worker women was there today.  she is good at her work and takes her "job" seriously.  she came in and immediately started fussing about how all the clothes were in the wrong place.  i told her we had had 2 new girls working yesterday and they didn't really know what they were doing. 

i went to the back looking for one of my co-workers when i noticed that this aforementioned woman was almost in tears and was muttering to herself.  i asked her if she was talking to me and she turned to me and started to tell me what had just happened and burst into tears.  i hugged her and told her to come back to the break room and sit down with me and tell me what happened. 

i am going to call this community service woman "R".  "R" has a tic........sorta like people with turrets syndrome have.  she jerks her head back and does her mouth funny like she is going to suck a lemon or something sour.  i never asked her why she does this, mainly because it isn't any of my business.  lots of people have tics, but it is their personality that i look for.  i found out today that "R" also has seizures, so that explains the tics.  today, the co-worker who said i fell out of my chair because i was so big, demanded from "R" why she did that silly thing with face and jerked around so much.  of course, it hurt "R's" feelings and she just said it was something she couldn't help.   but she went back over to her clothes rack and started hanging clothes again, quietly crying inside.  i don't  know the extent of what was said, but i am assuming it was also the manner in which it was said.  this co-worker, who claims to be a devout Christian, has a way of asking things in such a manner that it makes you feel belittled. 

after i got "R" to sit down and cry and get herself calmed back down and let her talk it out, she felt much better.

later this afternoon 2 of our volunteers who are married, brought hot dogs and hot dog chili sauce, homemade, for everyone to eat.  the young girl who relieves me when i go on break came up and asked me if i wanted to go and eat with the group and she would relieve me.  i told her it was really a little early for me to go to lunch, so for her to go and eat and just not clock out and take a 20 minute break and when she finished eating she could come back up and relieve me, and not take her lunch hour right then.  she agreed.  well 30 minutes later she hadn't returned.  i asked the aforementioned co-worker, who i will call Mag, where the girl was and she proclaimed she was taking her lunch.  i told her that she wasn't supposed to take a lunch, just go and eat and come back to relieve me.  Mag didn't like that comment and said not to question her, that the girl had gone on her lunch break.  about that time i was placing a thin glass floating candle bowl over-filled with pebbles, sand, crystals and marbles, into a customer's bag when the bowl snapped and broke off in my hand, piercing the palm of my right hand with a shard of glass.  when it started to hurt, the pain was horrible.  then the blood started and it wouldn't stop.  i looked up at Mag and told her i had to go to the back, i had cut myself on a broken bowl.  SHE DIDN'T BELIEVE ME!!!!  she must have thought i was using it as an excuse to get to take my lunch break.  she came over and said SHOW IT TO HER!!  of course, i had wiped it clean of blood and when she glanced at it, there was no blood surfacing yet, and it didn't look that bad, but it WAS deep.  i went to the back and told the young girl i had to get myself cleaned up and needed her up front to cover for me.

"R" helped clean up the broken glass and then came to the back to see how i was.  i got one of the volunteers to help me tape a bandage on my hand to keep it from bleeding and from getting dirty.  then "R" and i ate lunch together.

later in the day my hand started throbbing and i noticed the bandage was slipping off.  i told "R" to watch the front while i went to get someone to come to the register while i rebandaged my hand.  it was then that Mag made a comment to me that really set me off.  she laughed and said something like "if you had REALLY been hurt bad, we would have had to rush you to the hospital.  that is one big bandage for such a small nick."  i told her i didn't appreciate her belittling my injury and that i knew how deep it was and how serious it was and it wasn't up to her to declare if i were in pain or injured or not.  she showed me a little nick on her hand and said what i showed her was no more than what happened to her hand and all i needed to do was put a Band-Aid on it.  grrrrrrrrrrr.  i told her a Band-Aid wouldn't stick without putting surgical  tape over it.  so i rebandaged my hand and it felt much better.

i just don't understand why people feel they have to do things like that.  i have to admit, i am definitely a wuss when it comes to pain,  but it is MY pain, MY injury and i have the right to react how i want to.  i mean i could have told them i was leaving and going to the clinic that we go to for emergencies and made the store pay for stitches, but i didn't do that. 

anywho, when i got home i removed the bandage, redoctored the wound and discovered there was still a small sliver of glass in the wound.  that was why it hurt so badly and wouldn't stop bleeding.  it is much better now, and i have it taped over so that it will heal.

i am not sure how well the video i put in my last entry will show up, so i am going to try to include a picture of gray showing how emaciated she has gotten.  i have been putting out food but don't know if gray has been eating it or some of the other wild bunch.

yesterday during work i was able to get 2 of the community service guys to take my loveseat and dining table to my house and up my steps and into my apartment.  they aren't where i want them placed, but at least they are IN MY APARTMENT.  now they cannot complain at work about MY stuff clogging up the entry way. 

i am going to try to add the pic or pics of gray now.  keep your fingers crossed, lol.

i had to enclude this link.  if you are a georgia redneck, you will truly enjoy this.  if you are NOT a georgia redneck, you will not understand it, but you will still enjoy it, lol.

http://www.gwinnettdailypost.com/main.asp?SectionID=6&SubSectionID=84&ArticleID=16944

and while we are speaking of rednecks................

i don't think this entry even needs a kittycaption, lol.

 

THIS IS THE KITTY VIDEO I PROMISED

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HOPEFULLY A VIDEO

Most of you that have been with me for a while know that I have wild outdoor kitties that I try to feed and water.  It was much easier when I had the 2 cases of hot dogs in my freezer.  But now that things are harder to come by to feed them, there are numerous others, mostly babies of the “babies” that I helped raise over the last couple of years.

 

One of those kitties that has been most faithful is Gray.  She is the one who looks like a Siamese, only her tips are gray instead of brown.  She used to be really silky and beautiful.  She has been coming around more often lately, and is so emaciated.  I have shot a short video that I am going to try to add to this entry.  I forgot that my voice would show up on the computer version, so please forgive my stupid voice if the video goes through.  Gray is still an elegant lady, but just so very thin.  I told one of the ladies I work with about her, and even showed her the video on my camera, and she said she would buy her a bag of cat food.  How sweet is that?  She doesn’t even have a cat.  Not sure she even likes them other than they are God’s creatures.

 

I haven’t had any more of the panic attacks,so hopefully I will get my meds soon and I won’t have to worry about that anymore.  I was off on Saturday and Sunday, worked Monday, off Tuesday, and worked today (Wednesday) and there were no episodes with the customers or even the co-workers.  Oh, well, there was one thing.  I went out to sit with the community service workers while I was on my break, and the chair I was sitting in was already broken, but I didn’t know it.  It was an office chair, and when I leaned back, it fell to the right and almost threw me out of it.  I had one of the guys grab my hand to steady me so that I could get up.  A little while later, the very same lady who offered to buy the cat food was sitting out there in the same chair, and I told her to be careful, it would throw her out.  She made a comment that really hurt my feelings and I felt it was rude and uncalled for.  She said the reason I fell out of the chair was because I was so big.  I am an ample woman, but one of the community service workers, Neshia, who weighs 90 lbs. soaking wet, ALSO fell out of the chair.  So……………….

 

The same lady made a comment once about my relationship with Michael.  I was showing her his picture and she said “Why on earth is HE with YOU?!”  I guess skinny people don’t realize how badly they hurt those of us that are more on the hefty side.  I must admit, she is the perfect size.  But even if she weren’t, I would never say anything nasty like that to her or about her.  I just don’t understand people.  Especially when they profess to be Christians.

 

The young cashier that is actually the “head” cashier had a taste of what I go through today and she didn’t like it.  She and I get along really well, mostly because we have a more honest relationship.  If we have something to say to each other, we do so, getting it out in the open and over with.  In fact she often says she hates working when I am not there.  Anywho……….today, the afore mentioned co-worker who offered to buy the cat food had told her she would buy her lunch today since the younger girl had given her some money for lunch earlier in the week.  I was at lunch myself and returned to find EVERYONE except the young cashier out under the tree eating their lunch.  I knew she couldn’t go to lunch until I returned, so when I went back up there to relieve her, she was mad as a hatter.  She was fussing and cussing under her breath.  I asked what was wrong and she was so mad, she couldn’t even get the words out.  Evidently the “nice” lady was going to buy lunch for herself and 2 others.  So there should have been 3 subway sandwiches, 3 bags of chips, and 3 drinks.  There were 3 employees sitting out under the tree at the picnic table and all 3 were eating and drinking subway items.  So the young girl thought that the “nice” lady had given her lunch to one of the other co-workers.  I told her not to go out there cussing and accusing, just go tell her that I was back from lunch and she was ready for her sandwich, chips and drink.  She went out there and was told that the only thing that the other lady took that was hers was her drink.  The young girl was still angry because she didn’t have anything to drink.  She found some drinks in the Director’s mini fridge, so she was ok.  But she was still angry the rest of the afternoon about the way they treated her.  I told her that was the way they did me all the time, but I was sorry it happened to her as well.

 

I am going to try to add my video and save this entry while I have Internet access.  I am off tomorrow, so am glad I have access tonight so I can catch up on reading emails, answering them, reading journals and commenting in them.

 

I may be back to add another entry later if I can.  If there is nothing after this sentence, the video wouldn’t take. 

HUGS

{{ INDIGO---PAULA---LISA---NELISHIA---SYBIL---JEANNETTE }}

Thanks girls for sticking with me, and giving good advice and hugs.  You don't know how much it means to me.  I sit here so often staring at this screen, wondering who is typing to me and to whom I am typing.  I feel I have seen your hearts on “this here contraption”.  And those hearts are made of gold.  Thank you again.

I was off today........as per my schedule.  It was a much better day.  I only had one minor panicky feeling shortly after I got up.  I decided to go grocery shopping, and though I didn't find the deals I had hoped for, I did enjoy the trip and did get a fairly good deal on some skinless, boneless chicken breasts.  Speaking of deals, whether I have mentioned it before or not, I had to tell you about my filet mignon.  I am not a fancy eater.  But I love good grade steak.  I cannot afford it unless it is on sale.  Well, I found a 2-pack filet mignon, original price near $16.  They had been marked down to $8.50 so I felt I had to have them.  I haven't had filet mignon since I was in my 20's, and that was 30 years ago.  I didn't wrap them in bacon, but cooked them slowly in Worcestershire sauce, salt and pepper.  Then I browned them on both sides as I reduced the liquid in the pan.  OMG!  I could use a butter knife to cut through them.  As thick as they were, I figured I would have a problem with them being tough.  Now I am hooked on filet mignon.  I hope I find them again at a good price.

You know I have to complain.........MY TOOTH HURTS!!!!  Ok, enough complaining.

I am going back to work tomorrow, and then will work on Friday as well, but I think I am ready to return now without any problems.  My commenters think maybe my panic attacks are due to the goings-on at work.  That might be true.  But if I had had my Zoloft, I don't think that the events I have been going through would have bothered me.  I still don't have my Zoloft, but like I said, I don't feel those feelings when I get up like I did those 2 days.  So hopefully, I am on the mend, and when I get my Zoloft, I will never run out again, lol.

My cat has enjoyed having me around these last 2 days.  She loves sleeping with me, and since that is almost all I have done, she has had plenty of catnap time.  I have to admit, if she weren't with me, I wouldn't be able to face most of my days.  There is something to be said about being able to soothe one's soul by loving on and petting an animal.  She is my little fluff-angel.  (For some reason she's never liked Michael)

Well, it is TV time for me.  I have to make sure the programs from 8 pm till 11 pm get watched, lol.  I hope to be back later on to catch up on today's journal entries. 

NO WORKY, NO MONEY

I had a good night, sleeping well, but dreaming a lot.  When I awoke to my alarm, I felt pretty good and got up, started doing my routine before going to work.

 

As I was eating my breakfast, I started having those panicky feelings again and the tight rubber band was around my forehead again.  I tried to work through it and see if I could go to work, since I need to work to pay bills.

 

About 30 minutes after I got up, I found myself standing in the middle of the floor trying to figure out why I was standing in the middle of the floor.  I figured I didn’t need to drive to work, or work under those conditions.  I don’t live but a little over a mile from work, but most accidents happen within a close proximity to home.

 

I called my boss on his cell phone, as today is intake day at work and I knew the phones would be tied up till at least noon.  I explained I wasn’t able to function properly and wasn’t going to come in today.  He didn’tsound happy, but told me he hoped I got to feeling better.

 

I went back to bed and that is where I spent most of my day.  I washed a few dishes, made some lunch, watched some TV and inevitably ended up back in the bed.  I dreamed some really crazy dreams while asleep.  Most of them ended in some form of panicky situation, and when I awoke from them, I would be in the midst of a mild panic attack. 

 

I called to see if I could get a few of my Zoloft to last me till the ones from the manufacturer came, and they told me no.  So I guess I will just suffer till I get my meds.

 

I had a bad toothache all day as well.  A small chip came off one corner the other night, and it has been threatening to really hurt for several days.  It managed to live up to its threat today.  I didn’t have Orajel, so just took a few Motrin and climbed back into the bed till it eased and I went on off to sleep.

 

It was really hot outside today.  Not sure how hot, since I can’t seem to get my Weatherpixie to show up, but it got hot in my bedroom which has 5 fans and 2 air conditioners going all the time.  My share of the electric bill this past month was $90, but to have cold air in my room is well worth the money. 

 

I have tried to get online all day, and just when I do, the signal dies.  I will be glad when I get that booster box.  I might be able to keep up with everyone’s journal then.  I did get to read several and even commented in several, but then my signal started fading and it wouldn’t let me do anything but read the journals.

 

I want to start back to writing again, but can’t seem to get into the swing of things.  I write my best when depressed, but I can’t even stay awake  long enough to get depressed, lol.

 

I read that 2 j-landers passed away recently.  My heart and prayers go out to their families.  I never read either of their journals, but after finding out about them, I have gone back and started reading.  Both were elderly and living in an assisted living home.  Their names are Chuck and Annie, and they didn’t live in the same facility.  I hope they are journaling up there in Heaven.

 

Well, I had promised myself to be in bed by 11 pm and here it is 4 minutes after. 

 

 

 

GOODNIGHT

 

 

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PANIC IS NOT FUNNY

My last entry was actually about Saturday’s happenings.  So I guess I need to try to put in something about my day today.

 

Sunday I awoke from a dream about being claustrophobic and awoke in the midst of a big panic attack.  I couldn’t breathe, and felt like I had a huge too-small rubber band around my forehead.  This is the same thing that happened to me while I lived with the wicked witch in Hampton.  Only that time, being the first time it ever happened, I was taken to the hospital in an ambulance on oxygen and dumped in the waiting area of Henry General Hospital for many hours, while every single person in the emergency room was seen except me.  Once I did get in to see a doctor (I use the term loosely), he more or less talked to me in a condescending way, saying that I was really only there to be medicated and there was really nothing he could do for me.  I later found out I had a severe upper and lower sinus infection which was causing me to have problems with my brain signals, and severe panic attacks ensued. 

 

Having been though this back then, and then once when I first moved into my current apartment, I knew sort of what was going on.  I had a severe sinus infection and for some reason it coincides with my being “overfull” from eating.  Between the 2, I feel like my lungs are being pushed against, and I cannot get enough oxygen into them.  When this feeling was there upon my awakening, I immediately got up, dressed and headed to Ingles grocery store.  I felt better being there in the open space, knowing I could walk out any time I wanted.

 

When I came home, I was ok for some time, and then it struck again after I ate lunch.  I was afraid to eat anything else.  I cannot describe the feeling, but if you have ever had a severe panic attack, you know what I am talking about.

 

Another reason I am having these attacks is that I am out of my Zoloft, which is prescribed to me specifically for my panic attacks.  I get them from the manufacturer and having received them yet, so have been out of them for 4-5 days.

 

I thought I was ok when I awoke this am.  I got in the shower and got ready for work with no problems.  I ate some cantaloupe and yogurt and went off to work.

 

As soon as I started walking to the front I had another panic attack.  I also got the usual tingly feeling all over like I do when I am in for a dose of panic attacks.  I immediately warned all my co-workers that I was having these attacks, so if I suddenly walked out the front door and up the street, don’t follow me, I will probably be back later.  They all kept checking on me all morning, asking if I were ok, and needed to sit down or get something to eat or drink.  I keep a tall glass of ice water on my counter, so I didn’t need a drink.  And I was afraid to eat anything.  But when I took my break, I did go and get me something to eat…….a strawberry toaster strudel (we kept 2 cases there at the store for us to nibble on).

 

I was more or less ok as the morning and early afternoon moved on, but around 2:45 pm, after not having been able to take a lunch break, I started having several heart palpitations.  I knew then I was going to have to go home and lay down.  I need the money too bad to leave work, but I knew I was doomed.  So I went and told them I was going home and they strongly urged me to stay home, rest and don’t worry about coming back.  At 3 pm I was on my way home.

 

I ate a sandwich and drank a little buttermilk, and felt decent for a little while.  Then my heart started fluttering again.  I must have something wrong with my digestive tract as well as my sinuses.  I thought I wouldn’t fall apart till at least 60. 

 

One of my customers today noticed I wasn’t feeling well and asked if she could have prayer with me.  We did and I think that is why I got through most of my day.  I have some really great customers. 

 

I wanted to thank Aaron for leaving me a nice comment on my last entry.  I realize that all journalers often read a journal and don’t comment.  I guess it is nice to hear that sometimes.  Thanks to all who read, whether commenting or not.  I just feel that I whine so much that I am driving off my loyal readers and the few drive-by readers.  I am going to try to do better with my entries.  It is difficult to get my entries in.  A single entry takes about 8 hours total to put into my journal.  It takes me up to an hour or so to get online, then I have to type the entry, then I try to spellcheck and it gets hung up and I have to save the entry to Word and refresh the journal page, copy and paste back into the journal from Word and then add the picture all over again.  9 out of 10 times, the picture won’t upload.  And very often, if I don’t save to Word, I lose everything to aohell or my intermittent wifi and I am ready to scream…………

 

(Stepping back down from the soapbox)

 

I really need to be getting some things moved out of the storage unit and into the apartment, but either I don’t feel well, or it is raining.  I also need to get the sofa I bought out of the entryway at work.  I can’t wait to get it into our bedroom.  I also cannot wait till I get my comfy recliner into the den.  Sigh……….I wish I wish I wish.

 

Well, another entry eaten alive............sigh.  I will not retype the story I just added and didn't save on Word.

 

APPLICATIONS AND STRAWBERRY TOASTER STRUDEL

today at work there was a frightening incident.  i was talking with 2 customers, a husband and wife, who knew my boss personally and noticed our "ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS" sign.  the wife had previously talked with my boss and was told when a position came open, he would personally call her and let her know so that she could come on in and get all the paperwork filled out.  she and i were discussing the different aspects of the application and how she should complete it in order to get noticed and hired.  another male customer was standing behind them, asking one of our volunteers how much a tv was out in the front window, and since i was still talking to my customers,  he became agitated and wanted to know when i planned on stopping my conversation with them and wait on him.  i mentioned that that would be rude, and went back to talking to the original couple, and he started yelling at me, saying i was a real piece of work and that he was leaving and never coming back.  i told him that that was his prerogative and he yelled louder and said i was the rude one for not stopping my chit chat with other people and waiting on him.  most of the customers in the store were either friends or regular customers, and everyone gathered around, as if they were going to support me against the man.  as the man reached the doorway, several customers muttered he had a real problem, but the man i had been talking to with his wife said out loud "that man has a real problem".  the belligerent man turned at the doorway and said "and what are you going to do about it?" and my customer laid down his packages and started toward the man when his wife and i both told him it wasn't worth it, to please stop and he stopped walking toward the man and told him he was really lucky that the 2 of us had called him off.  i got on the phone and paged someone to the front, as i needed to get away from there, but while i was waiting for someone to come up, i burst into tears and the man who i had been talking to leaned over and patted me on the back and asked if i were ok.  i told him not really, and realized my heart seemed to have stopped.  i couldn't catch my breath for fear.  i am not used to any type of violence and when confronted with the possibility of something happening, i freak out.  i was afraid the man was going to come back in with a gun and shoot us all.  but when i looked up, almost everyone in the store was looking at me and pointing that he had gotten in his truck and left.  when someone came up from the back and saw that i was hysterical, they asked what happened, and when i told them, i was more or less chastised for even having any conversation with the man.  i was told i should have taken the key from the register and walked off to the back.  of course..........that was the first thing that came to my mind while i was hysterically trying to catch my breath.......NOT!!  my customers came up to me one by one after my 2 co-workers walked off and told me how wrong the co-workers were for doing that and asked if i were ok.  at least it is good to know that i DO have some people out there that have my back.  that idiot could still come back and cause some trouble.  i guess i just need to pray about it and turn it over to God.

something interesting (not frightening) also happened today.  i got a call from a dispatcher at a trucking company wanting to know if we would be willing to accept a load of pillsbury strawberry toaster strudel.  the store that it was shipped to had refused it for some reason, and they had 70 cases they needed to unload.  all they wanted was a receipt showing they had delivered the 70 cases for their records.  the truck driver just happens to live a couple of miles down the road and knew right where we were located.  one of my customers, who looks eerily like michael, helped the driver back the truck in and unload all 70 cases.  so i gave him 2 cases and gave him a big discount on his order.  we gave the strudel away in cases to whomever made a purchase.  there were a few who were mad because they couldn't get more than 2 cases.  when we ran out, a woman that is a regular customer, happened to go back to the kitchen to leave some snacks on the table for us and happened to see the boxes and wanted to know why she couldn't have one.  well, because all the boxes there were marked for someone who worked or volunteered there. 

i only brought home one case, which had 12 boxes of 6 strudels each.  so that is.....um... let me see.....oh, 72 strudels.  the woman who has given her notice piled 6 boxes in her van, and then suddenly felt ill and needed to go home.  (strudel needs refrigeration/freezing.   i am sure that had nothing to do with her needing to leave)

ok, enough about my stupid job..............it pays my bills, so i guess if i keep my mouth shut and my ears and eyes open, i will survive.

i guess with my infrequent and "angry" entries, i have lost a lot of my readers again.  i have been thinking lately that maybe it is time to just write in my private journal.  i don't get any feedback that way, but at least i don't put all my burdens on my readers.  i already have 2 private journals, as well as an offline journal, but i like to bounce my feelings, thoughts, ideas off others.  i am still thinking about it.  maybe if i do go private, i can start a different type of journal for public viewing. 

i have also wondered if anyone really wants me to continue my kittycaptions.  they are harder to come by due to my lack of wifi connection.  i guess i am just in a rut and am looking for a way out............any ideas??

well, i guess i better sign off and try to enter a kittycaption and save it all before the journal powers cease to allow me to be.

(i am sorry i didn't offer a "HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY" to anyone, but my computer wouldn't let me on until tonight........so for those of you who are here in the states and celebrate the fourth, i hope you had a good one)