THE BLAME GAME

december 1, 1985 was one of the best days of my entire life.  though in a whole lot of pain and suffering, the result was well worth it.  i had my daughter, at 10:55 pm.  almost 10 lbs. (9 lbs. 15 oz.).  i have a rather ugly vertical scar on my abdomen that proves she was a part of me for 9+ months (she was a week post mature).  other than trying to regain my strength while nursing, healing and learning to be a mom, as well as putting up with a husband who had no clue what to do, with me or our child, i was happy about her arrival.  granted, i had never really thought of myself as a mother, and wasn't sure i would ever be able to be one, since i never got pregnant with my first husband.  but after hearing her scream at delivery, seeing her chubby red face shortly after birth, and seeing her smile for the first time, i realized i was going to love being a mother.

of course, there was the colic, the diaper rashes, the constant eating, throwing up, then eating again, the chicken pox (which i, too, got) but motherhood was mostly good the first 3 years.  then daddy decided he wanted to play house elsewhere, and did.  he had a child with another woman and married her while still married to me.  sigh........suddenly my world changed.

i am not good with stress.  most of us aren't.  from the day he left, i stayed stressed, except when i was depressed and would sleep for many hours at a time.  i guess it was posthusband depression, instead of postpartum.  my world crumbled around me.  i lost my home on the courthouse steps.  without realizing it, i pulled away from my daughter in many ways.  but i never let a day go by that i didn't hug her and tell her i loved her.

at age 10, she joined the church and was baptized.  i was elated.  she became a missionary for our church, doing good deeds for others who, like we had been, were less fortunate.  she was a great student, enjoying reading and learning.  then, she became a teenager.  things went downhill.  i didn't know how to cope with that either.  soon, the child i had given birth to......loved.......became a stranger.  i discovered her social activities by reading her emails.  i was shocked she was behaving as she was.  how did i not know?  then, the day before she turned 17, she showed up with a couple of friends and a truck, and moved out...........of our house, and mostly out of my life.  there were signs of healing, then something would happen to divide us again.

now she is 22.  though we were together for 17 years, she has built a completely new and different life in the last 5.  i don't know her anymore.  i take the blame for much of it, due to my not being able to cope with raising a child by myself, with little to no child support and no emotional support from her father.  i don't make excuses for the things i did, or failed to do.  and though she may be part the blame for the wedge between us, as my child, i cannot put that blame on her.  all i want is a decent, healthy relationship with her.

her latest email to me reeked of anger, hurt, disappointment.......all directed at me.  i don't know what to do to repair the damage.  many say the damage cannot be repaired, but a new relationship can be built.  she is not open to that, at least not now. 

all i pray is that God willwatch over her, guide her, and keep her safe until she chooses to rebuild our relationship.  i just hope i am still alive to welcome her with open arms.

keep us in your prayers.........please.