i was trying to catch up on journal reading before the last curtain call and came across a journal that sorta stirred up something in me. i won't mention the journal name, mostly because this person is a dear j-land friend and is very much entitled to her opinion........as am i. the gist of the entry was that we have all survived much more devastation and turmoils than losing our journals and should not worry about it. i agree mostly with that statement...........but...........yes, there is a but.............
i went back to my first entry which was on june 27, 2004 and started copying and pasting onto word documents in spans of one month at a time so as not to lose anything in my journal. it wasn't very long before i started crying and got a very heavy heart. there are comments in that very first month from people who are no longer in this world........they have passed on to a greater reward. without j-land and my journal, i would have never met some of these people. my life would have been much different without their comments, love, prayers, support, compassion, and advice. i will never have another comment from those people. if i lose my journal's contents, i will lose their words. i will have the memories of knowing these people, but after time fades those memories, there will be little left.
also, i started journaling at a time in my life when i needed a friend and there wasn't one in my real life to help me cope with day to day trials and tribulations. i lost 2 homes to foreclosure and was evicted from a rental house due to circumstances beyond my control. i became estranged with my then 17 year old daughter, and proceeded to watch her from afar live a life i would never wish for her. i found love, then lost it, several times. my journal captured my emotions, my soul. i wrote poetry i have since forgotten about, all to cope with life as it was back then for me. now that i am on higher ground emotionally and financially, i have more or less blocked out much of that past. reading my past journal entries has brought those memories back, and even though they are not the best of memories, the events strengthened me and made me a better person. and by reading my past entries, i find peace in my life now.
so, even though this journaler is correct in saying more or less to not sweat the small stuff........to me, my journal isn't small stuff. it is a record of my life.......one i have tried to forget because of the bad memories, but one that has brought me full circle to where i am today.
i will move on and continue journaling. and someday will look back at my current entries and either smile or cry........but it will be a slice of my life..........MY LIFE..........a life that only i have lived.
and yes, i have every right to be angry with the powers that be at aol. they didn't provide "the service" for free, or out of the goodness of their hearts. they did it at a cost to their customers, both financially and by having so many internal problems that we all became exasperated at one point or another. yes, i will continue on with aol. it is like an old pair of shoes that, when new and first worn, hurt the feet and make life miserable until they are broken in. i have become familiar with aol. i am at a loss at where i will go from here, but i will go................and i will succeed at making a new journal at a new site. i just hate that i will lose so many friends who will not journey down the same road as i.