LETTING YOU KNOW I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU

Spend My Life With You

Eric Benet  

Never knew such a day could come

And I never knew such a love

Could be inside of one

And I never knew what my life was for

But now that you're here

I know for sure I never knew till I looked in your eyes

I was incomplete till the day you walked into my life

And I never knew that my heart could feel

So precious and pure

One love so real

Can I just see you every morning when I open my eyes

Can I just feel your heart beating beside me Every night

Can we just feel this way together

Till the end of all time

Can I just spend my life with you

Now baby the days and the weeks

And the years will roll by

But nothing will change the love inside

Of you and I

And baby I'll never find any words

That could explain

Just how much my heart my life

My soul you've changed

Can you run to these open arms

When no one else understands

Can we tell God and the whole world

I'm your woman, and you're my man

Can't you just feel how much I love you

With one touch of my hand

Can I just spend my life with you

No touch has ever felt so wonderful

(You are incredible)

And a deeper love I've never known

(I'll never let you go)

I swear this love is true

(Now and forever to you to you)

Can I just see you every morning when I open my eyes

Can I just feel your heart beating beside me

Every night

Can we just feel this way together

Till the end of all time

Can I just spend my life with you

Can you run to these open arms

When no one else understands

Can we tell God and the whole world

I'm your woman, and you're my man

Can't you just feel how much I love you

With one touch of my hand

Can I just spend my lifewith you

Can I just spend my life with you

Can I just spend my life with you

(Forever here with you)

Can I just spend my life with you

Can I just see you every morning when I

Open my eyes.

WOOOO HOOOOO I FOUND ONE

THANK THE GOOD LORD....................I FOUND A WEDDING DRESS..................IF I CAN GET MY FRIEND WHO IS A DESIGNER/SEAMSTRESS TO REDO IT TO LOOK THE WAY I WANT IT TO, I WILL BE SET.     IT IS MIDNIGHT BLUE VELVET, AND I WANT TO ADD BLACK LACE PUFFED SLEEVES AND TRAIN, AS WELL AS A BLACK LACE VEIL.  THE DRESS IS ALREADY GORGEOUS, AND WOULD MAKE A VERY PRETTY CHRISTMAS DRESS AS IS.  BUT IF MY FRIEND CAN WORK HER MAGIC ON IT, I WILL BE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BRIDE.............    

 

I AM TRULY EXCITED ABOUT MY UPCOMING MARRIAGE TO MY BELOVED MICHAEL, BUT I MUST ADMIT, THE BUTTERFLIES HAVE ALREADY BEGUN.................I THINK MOSTLY DUE TO THE FACT I AM HAVING TO DO MOST OF THE PLANNING OF THE WEDDING SINCE MICHAEL IS STILL STUCK OUT THERE IN VEGAS, WORKING WORKING WORKING, WHICH LEAVES THE FUN STUFF UP TO ME OUT HERE IN GEORGIA......................BUT I DON'T MIND.  MICHAEL IS VERY EASY GOING AND WOULD LIKE MOST ANYTHING I PLAN..............I HOPE.............(SMILE MICHAEL, LOL).     

 

 I HAVE FINALLY PURCHASED THE PAPERS WITH WHICH I WILL BE MAKING THE ANNOUNCEMENTS.  NOW I HAVE TO SIT DOWN AND FIGURE OUT THE BEST WAY TO MAKE THEM AND STILL HAVE THEM LOOK CLASSY.  SIGH.    

 

 MY DAUGHTER AGREED TO STAND UP WITH ME AS MY MAID OF HONOR, BUT REFUSES TO WEAR A BLACK DRESS..............GEEEEEE........... SHE IS ALMOST 20 AND STILL REBELLING........... KIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!  SHE ASKED ME IF SHE COULD BRING HER NEW BOYFRIEND (WHOM I TRULY ADORE, AND WHO GETS ALONG VERY WELL WITH ME), AND I SAID YES.  THEN SHE ASKED WHAT SHOULD HE WEAR.......WELL, SINCE SHE IS PLANNING ON WEARING BLUE JEANS AND A T-SHIRT, I ASSUME HE WILL WEAR THE SAME...............I PREFER AT LEAST BLACK JEANS AND BLACK T-SHIRTS WHICH MY DAUGHTER ADAMANTLY SAYS NO TO, BUT AT LEAST MY DAUGHTER IS ATTENDING................    

 

I WAS ONLINE A FEW NIGHTS AGO, AND AN OLD ONLINE BOYFRIEND EMAILED ME ABOUT A NEW LOVE HE HAS, AND THEN HE IM'D ME.  DURING THE IM, HE ASKED IF HE AND HIS NEW LADY LOVE COULD ATTEND THE WEDDING, AND I TOLD HIM IT WOULD BE FINE.  I WANNA SEE THIS NEW LADY THAT TOOK THE THRONE I VACATED A LONG TIME AGO. (THANK GOODNESS I DID VACATE IT.)    

 

I AM NOT INVITING ANY OTHER GUESTS TO THE WEDDING DUE TO SEVERAL REASONS.  ONE, THE DISTANCE.  SAVANNAH IS NOT CLOSE TO ANY OF THOSE WHOM I WOULD WANT TO INVITE.  TWO, MANY OF THOSE WHO I WOULD INVITE WOULDN'T ATTEND A WEDDING IN A CEMETERY WITH THE BRIDE AND GROOM WEARING GOTHIC ATTIRE.  (I DO WISH TO POINT OUT HERE TO THOSE OF MY READERS OUT THERE THAT KNOW ME AS A CHRISTIAN.............I HAVE NOT SOLD MY SOUL TO THE DEVIL FOR MICHAEL'S LOVE.........I HAVE ALWAYS LIKED HALLOWEEN AND GOTHIC, VAMPIRIC THINGS AND SO DOES MICHAEL.  I AM STILL A WORSHIPPING CHRISTIAN AND DON'T PLAN ON CHANGING THAT FOR MICHAEL OR ANYONE ELSE.)  AND THE THIRD REASON IS MOST OF THE PEOPLE I WOULD INVITE WOULD ONLY ATTEND BECAUSE THEY WOULD BE CURIOUS, NOT GENUINELY INTERESTED IN MINE AND MICHAEL'S HAPPINESS.  THE FINAL REASON IS DUE TO THE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE ALLOWED IN SPECIAL EVENTS GROUPS IN THE CEMETERY.  IF THERE ARE QUITE A FEW IN THE GROUP, THE CEMETERY WILL CHARGE.............AND RIGHT NOW IT IS FREEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

 

SO I HOPE I DON'T OFFEND ANYONE BY NOT INVITING THEM.  I WILL PUT A NICE ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE JOURNAL FOR ALL OF THOSE WHO ARE INTERESTED.     

 

I STILL NEED TO MAKE A NECKLACE FOR THE WEDDING AND FIND SOME SHOES.  I FOUND THE PERFECT PAIR OF BOOTS, BUT I COULDN'T AFFORD THEM.......EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE ON SALE FOR $65.  BUT THE SHIPPING FROM THE UNITED KINGDOM WOULD HAVE PUSHED THEM EVEN HIGHER.  THEY WERE ANKLE BOOTS WITH A SKULL BUCKLE ON THE SIDE............REALLY REALLY COOL.  MICHAEL OFFERED TO BUY THEM FOR ME, BUT HE NEEDS TO SAVE HIS MONEY FOR LATER.  SO THAT IS MY NEXT BIG VENTURE................AND I THINK I AM GOING TO THE JUNKMAN'S DAUGHTER IN LITTLE FIVE POINTS TO FIND THEM...............AND THE FINGERLESS MESH GLOVES I WILL NEED.    

 

WE WANT TO PLAN A RECEPTION BUT MIGHT HAVE TO DO SO LATER ON IN THE YEAR, OR MAYBE EVEN THE EARLY PART OF 2006.  MONEY WILL BE TIGHT UNTIL MICHAEL FINDS A GOOD JOB HERE.  MY JOB DOESN'T PAY ENOUGH TO PLAN ANYTHING.  I HAVE A FRIEND WHO IS A WILTON CAKE DECORATION INSTRUCTOR WHO WILL MAKE THE CAKE AND OTHER THINGS FOR THE RECEPTION, AT COST.  WE HAVE TO CUT CORNERS WHERE WE CAN.    

 

IF ANY OF MY READERS (WHICH SEEM TO HAVE DWINDLED TO ALMOST NONE SINCE I HAD TO PACK UP MY PUTER AND WASN'T ONLINE FOR AWHILE) HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS ON A GOTHIC WEDDING OR RECEPTION, PLEASE LET ME KNOW.  ALL SUGGESTIONS ARE WELCOME.    

 

OK,GUESS I BETTER GET BACK TO MY PLANNING..............GOTTA GET STARTED ON THAT NECKLACE FOR THE WEDDING..............IT IS GONNA TAKE SOME TIME SINCE I AM MAKING UP THE DESIGN MYSELF.    

 

HOPE EVERYONE HAS A GREAT DAY AND LIFE IS TREATING YOU WELL.                        

WEDDING DRESS

I NEED HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I CANNOT SEEM TO FIND THE PERFECT WEDDING DRESS.  OF COURSE, I HAVE STRANGE TASTES, SO I MIGHT NOT EVER FIND THE "PERFECT" DRESS.

 

I AM LOOKING FOR A BLACK OR BLACK AND PURPLE GOTHIC STYLE WEDDING DRESS, HOPEFULLY WITH LOTS OF LACE.  I WANT A FAIRLY LONG TRAIN AS WELL AS A BLACK LACE VEIL.  THE VEIL IS THE LEAST OF MY WORRIES, FOR I CAN MAKE MY OWN. 

 

I NEED A SIZE 16-18 AND DON'T HAVE ALOT OF MONEY TO SPEND.

 

SO, IF ANYONE OUT THERE IN JOURNAL LAND HAS ANY IDEAS, THEY WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED.  PLEASE CONTACT ME AT THIS EMAIL ADDRESS.

 

THANKS FOR YOUR HELP..........................

EEYORE

i just had to say thank you to my beloved for the beautiful eeyore watch he sent me today, and the gorgeous angel pin with the sparkling wings and my birthstone. 

michael, you never cease to amaze me at your thoughtfulness.  i wish i was on my own computer so that i could put up pictures of both, but alas, i am not and cannot.  

michael, thanks again for the lovely gifts and your love.   hugs.........kisses..........always

AN ODE TO MY LOVE, MICHAEL

Amazed
By Lonestar, from the CD: Lonely Grill

Every time our eyes meet
This feeling inside me
Is almost more than I can take

Baby when you touch me
I can feel how much you love me
And it just blows me away

I've never been this close
To anyone or anything
I can hear your thoughts
I can see your dreams

I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better

I want to spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever

Every little thing that you do,
Baby I'm amazed by you

The smell of your skin
The taste of your kiss
The way you whisper in the dark

Your hair all around me
Baby you surround me
You touch every place in my heart

Oh it feels like the first time - every time
I wanna spend the whole night
In your eyes

I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better

I want to spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever

Every little thing that you do,
Baby I'm amazed by you

Every little thing that you do
I'm so in love with you!
It just keeps getting better!

I want to spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever

Every little thing that you do
(Every little thing that you do)
Oh, every little thing that you do
Baby, I'm amazed by you

A REAL STORY OF LIFE AND LOVE PART TWO

Raven still didn’t know what to do about Eros. She still loved him, but knew they would never have a real life together. There had been too many broken promises, too many sleepless nights. She was no longer “in love” with him. Mark’s heart and soul must have sensed Raven’s dilemma for that very night he asked her to marry him over the phone. He apologized for not waiting until he was there in October to do it in person, but stated he was a very impatient person, and thought waiting for two years was long enough. Raven accepted immediately, knowing in her heart that she would almost destroy another man in doing so. Mark could not wait to announce to the world that he was to wed Raven, so Raven did not have the chance to speak to Eros beforehand. Thus Eros found out in a way that must have been devastating. Raven tried to talk to him online, explain what she had been experiencing emotionally, but he only stated he would never stop loving her, and would never move on. Raven felt so much compassion for this man she had spent almost five years knowing and loving, she spent the entire Easter weekend (three days) crying hysterically. Mark hated what this was doing to Raven, the woman he loved. Because Mark could not do anything about what was happening in Raven’s world except be emotionally supportive, he became angry with the source of the pain…. Eros. He wanted to somehow hurt this man who was causing his beloved Raven so much pain and anguish. He wanted to hurt him the way Raven was hurt.

Raven came through the three days of anguish as if it were a period of withdrawal from a narcotic. She felt drained, weak, tired and emotionless. But after a few days she felt much better, and knew her broken heart was on the mend. Mark saw her three days of pain and how she was beginning to mend. He realized he was wrong for wanting to hurt Eros. He tried on several occasions to compliment Eros on his literary accomplishments and to give him some encouragement, but his efforts were thwarted and misunderstood. Eros, who was fighting his own emotional pain, misunderstood and attacked Mark openly online. Mark, trying to defend his own honor, as well as his beloved Raven’s, struck back. Their “duel” brought to mind the days in which men drew pistols and walked 100 paces, then turned and fired at each other. Thank goodness today they are only word bullets, or one or even possibly two good men would be very dead.

Raven heard about what Mark and Eros had been doing and chastised Mark for being childish. Raven was both angered and saddened by the way both had acted. She no longer had any say about Eros’s behavior, but let Mark know that she was not pleased with his actions. Mark then promised Raven that he would never attempt any more contact with Eros or any of his “friends”.

Raven and Mark are currently working things out and planning their future together. Though Raven cannot speak directly for Mark, she is sure he agrees with her in that she wants only the best future for Eros and those involved in Eros’s life. Raven does still remember Eros as a kind, loving, passionate man and will always hold his memory dear. But she also wishes Eros would heal, physically and emotionally, and move on with his life………..find happiness again. Raven does not hold any grudges against any of the parties involved in her relationship with Eros and hopes that they do not either. And if they do, hopes and prays they will all find true happiness and move forward with their lives as well.

Well, I hope this little story will straighten some things out and hopefully a few out there enjoyed the story of love and broken hearts. The sad thing is…………..it is real.

May all who happen by my journal have a happy and fulfilling life and always remember….life is way too short to spend it in anger or grief.

My love to all of you out there in aol land.

Gayle Regina Watkins, a/k/a raygaen (the future MRS. MICHAEL S. PATRICIA)

 

 

A REAL STORY OF LIFE AND LOVE PART ONE

As I have been extremely busy planning a wedding, I haven't had much time for the world of AOL and all of its drama. I have much more important fish to fry. But it appears that the drama continues even in my absence. Instead of pointing fingers, placing blame and otherwise causing extreme chaos online, I am going to write a little story for my journal. If any of the characters appear familiar to anyone, then maybe they are. Being a literary person who loves to write gothic romance prose and poetry, I choose to do this in this manner rather than sit and name names and accuse. For those of you who are not involved in all this drama, sit back and enjoy a short story based on realism. For those who may feel this story is about them, study this closely and learn from any lessons there might be contained herein.

DUE TO THE LENGTH OF THIS STORY, I AM GOING TO DO TWO JOURNAL ENTRIES TO MAKE SURE IT IS COMPLETELY LEGIBLE

 

Once upon a time there was a woman we shall call Raven. She was lonely and had been for many years. She was a divorced mother of a teenager who was basically a good girl, but was becoming quite rebellious. Raven was unemployed and finding it difficult to find employment. She had purchased a computer for her daughter to use for school, so turned to that same device to find an occupation.

 

After many dismal days of searching, Raven turned to AOL chat rooms to find someone to talk to and share her problems with. It was on one of these searches in a Christian chat room that Raven encountered a gentleman we shall call Eros. Eros was a former man of the cloth who had some recent traumatic events and health concerns in his life. He, too, was lonely and in need of someone to whom he could relate his woes and share his days with online.

 

Raven and Eros became good friends. Raven found herself falling in love with this man, who, though rooted deeply in his spirituality, also had a very dark and mysterious side to his life. He had quite a charisma about him. Raven found herself falling deeper and deeper for him, and wanted more than he could offer at the time, So she kept her feelings to herself.

As time went by Raven and Eros became closer and began feeling a kinship that seemed to hold them together like a glue. They could not stand being apart online. Eros had moments of deep depression and sadness, and would often speak of “ending it”. Raven hurt badly when she heard this and finally, out of sheer desperation, told Eros of her feelings for him and emailed him her full name, address, and telephone number in hopes that he would try to contact her outside of their cyber world.

Eros finally crawled from the depths of his despair and professed his love for raven as well. Thus began a very long virtual relationship. Raven wanted more, so requested often that Eros allow her to have his address and phone number so that they might communicate more and become better acquainted. Eros gave Raven his address, and immediately raven wrote and mailed a letter to him filled with her confessions of love for him, and scented with her favorite perfume. But alas, the letter was returned two weeks later, marked “addressee unknown”. Eros could not explain this. But he in turn wrote a letter to Raven, included a poem he wrote, and mailed it to her. It bore no return address, but was postmarked in the city where Eros stated he lived. Raven treasured that letter so much, she framed the poem and kept it over her computer table so that she could think even more fondly of Eros as she communicated online with him.

Time passed and one evening as the two were talking online, Eros asked Raven to marry him. Though Raven felt it odd that he would prefer to do so online instead of over the phone lines or in person, she excitedly answered “yes” to his question. She was elated.

Shortly thereafter Eros began experiencing more and more health problems. As they tried to make plans for the future, Eros’s health worsened. Raven begged him to send for her and let her be with him by his side as he went through this ordeal. But Eros held firm and said “no” to her requests, stating it would be too trying for her. Raven also begged Eros to call her, let her hear his voice say “I love you Raven”, but he stated his fear of using the telephone prevented him from doing so.

Time moved forward, and Eros got worse. Then his health seemed to improve. At one point it was thought that he might even be cured of his illness. But then he would worsen again. He would often even disappear out of Raven’s life for periods of time, only to return months later professing how he had missed her and loved her.

Throughout the relationship between Eros and Raven, other women had attempted to gain Eros’s affections. There were rumorsof cyber affairs. There were threats made via email to Raven from these other women. One such woman even stated she was Eros’s wife, and wished raven would leave him alone. Eros often stated these women were crazy, and there was no truth to any of it.

Raven’s heart was heavy with many emotions. Here was a man she truly loved deep within her heart, but yet she could not hear his voice, feel his touch. She lived for words on a screen……..professions of love via emails and im’s. During this time Raven was informed that she was losing her home for nonpayment of the mortgage. With a sick feeling in her gut, she turned to Eros, who had professed to be very wealthy, asking for help to save her home; the only home she had to shelter herself and her daughter. It truly troubled her to have to turn to someone else for help, even the man she loved. He vowed he would help her, either by bringing the money to her in person or sending it by mail. She waited, in tears, for hours, days……….and nothing. No Eros, no help. She was then told on many occasions by Eros that she should just sell everything she had and pay her bills. This hurt her deeply, for most of her belongings had been her mother’s, and her mother had been deceased for many years.

Raven knew not what to do, but struggled on daily, trying to keep her head above water. But she lost her battle……and her home. She had to find another place to live and was able to secure a rental home nearby. But even that was difficult to hold onto due to her job situation. She got a roommate, but she wouldn’t pay her share of the rent, and once again, raven found herself homeless. Eros still could not find a way to help Raven. He told her all he could do was pray for her and her situation. Raven, who still loved this man through all the disappointments, accepted his prayers.

Raven found herself living in a run down motel, with drunks, druggies, prostitutes and johns frequently knocking at her door and ringing her phone all hours of the day and night. She was frightened and felt alone. She then was offered a basement apartment in another city and after moving there, found the rooms were filled with mold and mildew from rainwater damage, and she became seriously ill. She could not reach Eros other than on a computer, so lost contact with him for long periods of time. She would occasionally go to a library and email or im Eros to let him know she was alive….. Barely.

Eros and Raven’s “relationship” had existed for about five years. During October of the third year of this relationship, raven encountered a young man online whom we will call Mark. Mark intrigued Raven, so they struck up a platonic friendship online. Mark was easy to talk to, and would listen to raven’s ramblings for hours during the late night hours, occasionally offering suggestions, but always offering support. He was Raven’s emotional salvation. He was a true friend, someone who accepted her as she was, and was there for her when she needed a shoulder. And most importantly, he gave her a telephone number for her to reach him in times she wanted to talk one on one. That first Christmas he called her to wish her a merry Christmas, which made Raven feel special.

After Raven lost her home and had to move to the motel, the roommate failed to pay her share there too, and Raven was venting to Mark on the phone about her situation, and Mark wired Raven enough money to keep the room. He didn’t even hesitate, though he was not a rich man, or even a man of means. He had a meager job that paid well, but work was only available 1-2 weekends a month. The fact that he shared what he did have with her to help her out and never asked for repayment made Raven feel like she was loved and that someone truly cared about her.

Raven had begun feeling differently about her relationship with Mark. Which also made her take time to think about her relationship with Eros. Eros had been making her promises for almost five years, and none of them had come to fruition. Mark was always there for Raven, no matter what the emotion or situation. After lots of prayer, thought, tears and hours of sleeplessness, Raven realized she was in love with Mark. The one person she had “used” to vent on had been there for her throughout it all. He was the wind beneath her wings. But did he feel the same about her? As if his heart heard hers, Mark confessed to Raven that very evening on the phone that he loved her and had since first meeting her online almost two years ago.

(CONTINUED IN NEXT ENTRY)