ONCE AGAIN, SADNESS ENVELOPS ME

one thing i said i would never do as i got older is read the obituaries.  yet, for the last year i have done just that.  i have discovered numerous acquaintances have passed on.

on monday, after work, i stopped by the post office to pick up my mail and scooped up one of the free local newspapers on the counter.  i went home, ate, and decided to read the paper while i was waiting for a program on tv.  of course, the first page i turned to is the obituaries.  i began lightly perusing the names and ages, and something pulled my eyes back to the very first one.  it was a gentleman, 49 years of age, who lived in the same town as i do.  then it struck me........this was someone i had dated some time back.  he had moved on to another state and we lost touch over the years.  back in january, i ran into him again at work.  he had changed a good bit, but i am sure i had too.  he recognized me first, since i had on my name tag.  he came back to my work several times, and one time we were able to sit down in the break room and catch up on our lives.  he had married and had a daughter, who was now 16, and his wife had passed away 4 years ago at the age of 44.  i told him i wasn't available but would love to keep in touch. 49 years old.  the article noted that his parents, apparently divorced, are still living.  how sad to have your children pass on before you.  needless to say, i cried for 2 days.  i don't really know why.  he was such a nice guy when i knew him, and seemed to still be a good man. 

i went out to the grave site at a small nearby town's church cemetery and after speaking with the church secretary, located the grave.  it was too soon for a marker, but there were no flowers.  none.  i had purchased some on the way over and placed them at the foot of where they said he was buried.  i just hope that others remembered him fondly and that his daughter will be taken care of.

the church secretary said he had died in the doctor's office, but no autopsy was done at the request of the mother.  he had told me he had had a prostate biopsy done back in february, and the results were inconclusive, so i am not sure why he passed.  he was under a lot of stress trying to rebuild a fragile relationship with his daughter, who lived with the maternal grandfather.  he also worked for delta, which with all of its restructuring, caused him a lot of stress as well.  i am thinking maybe it was a heart attack.

going back to the "ghost stories" entries earlier in my journal, i have something of my own to add.  i am not truly sure this is what happened, but it makes sense to me.

i didn't know anything about my friend's passing until i read the paper.  but after discovering the date that he passed, i remember that on that same night i awoke, startled, feeling that a man was standing over my bed leaning down to tell me something.  now that i look back, i wonder if it was him.

sorry this has been such a somber entry.