RISING ABOVE DISCOURAGEMENT

  

RISING ABOVE DISCOURAGEMENT

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick; but when dreams come
true at last, there is life and joy" (Proverbs 13:12,
TLB).

"These boys won't make it. Go back to Liverpool, Mr.
Epstein, you have a good business there." This is what a
recording company executive told the Beatle's manager at
their first audition!

"That kid can't play baseball. He can't pull the ball," is
what the manager of the Brave's Tripple A team said about
Hank Aaron in 1952. Aaron went on to hit 755 home runs,
breaking all previous records.

Remember, no matter what the critics say, in God's economy,
everybody has a purpose and everybody has something of
value to offer. Never give up until you know what your
talent is; then sharpen it, dedicate it to God, and give it
all you've got. Take courage. Nothing you do for God will
ever be in vain. Remember, too, that one of the greatest
ways we can serve God is by helping others--and every one
of us can do that every day.

Also, as long as what you are choosing to do is in harmony
with God's will, then dream big dreams, work hard, trust
God and in time you will reap what you sow and be richly
rewarded. Know your God-given dreams and keep hope alive no
matter what the setbacks and never ever give up.

A MOUNTAINWINGS ORIGINAL

NEW CAR

i don't usually post things about my daughter in this journal, only in my private journal.........but i guess i wanted to know i am not alone in this thing called parenthood........

just got a call from my daughter, who is 18-1/2, telling me that her paternal grandparents just called and told her they had purchased her a 1997 honda prelude.  she was ecstatic.........since she has been trying to save up money to put down on one, and since she has been unsuccessful in doing so.........

she told me she had been crying for the last 3 days because she didn't have a car, needed to go and find a job, since the one she has had all summer is over now, and because she hasn't saved up the money she needs.  i mentioned to her that crying wasn't going to help, just make her sick.  she suddenly told me that she didn't want to fight with me, and was going to hang up..........i tried to explain to her i wasn't upset, wasn't fussing, and was very excited for her.   but she wouldn't listen, started crying again, and hung up. 

my heart hurts so when she does that............for i meant her no harm, no ill, no foul..........was just being a mother..........and that is what seems to get me into the most trouble........

my daughter moved out the day before her 17th birthday and moved in with a so called friend of mine........who turned out later to be a partier, drinker, and curser.  i thought it was ok for her to move in with her, since she was 38, had a 4 yr old daughter, and went to church with me, and i had known her for 6 years.  i was wrong in my thinking.  now my daughter looks at me as the enemy, and even has some of her new-found friends calling this woman her "mother".  it really hurts..........all of it........

i always tried to be a good mother to my daughter, even though her father chose not to be a part of her life till now.  it just hurts so when something like this happens.........i wanted her to know i am excited for her...........but i am also frightened to death.......for the car is a sports car and she already drives like a maniac..........

well, i have vented, and don't feel a whole lot better.  maybe some mother (or father) out there can share some "pearls of wisdom" that will make it all seem better.  sigh...............

my baby when she was 4.............and 1997 honda prelude

                       

BEGINNING TODAY.........

 

Beginning today...

I will no longer worry about yesterday.  It is in the past and the past will never change.  Only I can change by choosing to do so.

Beginning today...

I will no longer worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will always be there, waiting for me to make the most of it.  But I cannot make the most of tomorrow without first making the most of today.

Beginning today...

I will look in the mirror and I will see a person worthy of my respect and admiration. This capable person looking back at me is someone I enjoy spending time with and someone I would like to get to know better.

Beginning today...

I will cherish each moment of my life.  I value this gift bestowed upon me in this world and I will unselfishly share this gift with others.  I will use this gift to enhance the lives of others.

Beginning today...

I will take a moment to step off the beaten path and to revel in the mysteries I encounter.  I will face challenges with courage and determination.  I will overcome what barriers there may be which hinder my quest for growth and self-improvement.

Beginning today...

I will take life one day at a time, one step at a time.  Discouragement will not be allowed to taint my positive self-image, my desire to succeed or my capacity to love.

Beginning today...

I walk with renewed faith in human kindness.  Regardless of what has gone before, I believe there is hope for a brighter and better future.

Beginning today...

I will open my mind and my heart.  I will welcome new experiences. I will meet new people.  I will not expect perfection from myself nor anyone else: perfection does not exist in an imperfect world.  But I will applaud the attempt to overcome human foibles.

Beginning today...

I am responsible for my own happiness and I will do things that make me happy . . . admire the beautiful wonders of nature, listen to my favorite music, pet a kitten or a puppy, soak in a bubble bath . . .pleasure can be found in the most simple of gestures.

Beginning today...

I will learn something new; I will try something different; I will savor all the various flavors life has to offer.  I will change what I can and the rest I will let go.  I will strive to become the best me I can possibly be.

Beginning today........And every day.

author: penny white (c. 1995)

     

TORCH

                                                      

UNTIL TODAY I HADN'T ADDED A TORCH TO MY JOURNAL.......ONLY BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO ADD IT IN ONE OF THOSE LITTLE WHITE BOXES.  BUT I FIGURED OUT HOW TO ADD PICS THROUGH PHOTOBUCKET TODAY, THUS, I AM ADDING MY TORCH TO THIS JOURNAL.  THIS TORCH STANDS FOR ALOT OF THINGS.  FREEDOM, THE OLYMPICS, JOURNALING, AND THE FACT THAT I HAVE ALMOST GIVEN UP MANY TIMES, BUT WAS ALWAYS REMINDED I HAD TO BEAR THE TORCH, THUS HAD TO GO ON.......

     I ALSO WOULD LIKE TO ADD MY COUNTRY'S FLAG, OF WHICH I AM PROUD.  WHETHER WE ALWAYS AGREE OR NOT WITH OUR COUNTRY'S LEADERSHIP, WE SHOULD PRAY FOR THEM AND SUPPORT THEM.  IF WE DISAGREE WITH THEM, THEN EXERCISE YOUR RIGHT AS AN AMERICAN, AND VOTE FOR WHOM YOU WANT IN OFFICE, AND THEN SUPPORT THEM.

         

AND THIS IS MY STATE FLAG, GEORGIA.  THERE HAS BEEN ALOT OF CONTROVERSY OVER THIS FLAG, BUT NO MATTER WHAT FLAG IS FLYING OVER GEORGIA, IT STANDS FOR FREEDOM, AND A HISTORY RICH WITH ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE. 

 

OVERWHELMING

i love living in a house.......but sometimes the duties of living in one overwhelm me.  i am 50 and not in the best of shape......though i am not dead yet either.  but there is always grass to cut, trimming to do, meals to cook, dishes to do, cleaning to do, things that need doing and i just don't have the time or energy.  i never thought i would be living alone at age 50.  i had always envisioned having a wonderful mate, to share my silver years.  sigh.  yet, here i am, no children at home, no mate.......just me.  oh, and my two cats.........and they don't clean up after themselves........sigh.  i know, quit complaining, get off the computer and get the stuff done........but.......it is easier said than done........i don't set schedules like i should.  i should allocate slots of time to do certain things when i am not working.  yet, i am addicted to journals and journaling, thus i sit here often staring at the screen, wondering what should i write.......or which journal should i read.... and before you know it, i have wasted half a day, and accomplished little to nothing......

does anyone else out there in j-land have this same affliction?  i know i cannot be the only one.  i would spend all my time between making my homemade jewelry and journaling if i was given the choice......and we all know that a sedentary lifestyle is bad for you.......so........maybe i should do some chair arobics or something....lol.....one....two....three....lift..........

well that was work, lol.............i did wish to tell all those that visit my journal occasionally that i appreciate your comments, and your time and to all those whose journals i enjoy so much, thank you for letting me into your world.  the cyber world seems so safe........we can sit in our pj's and type to millions of people (or naked too, though i don't do that, remember, i have cats, lol) and feel good about ourselves, if only for a few minutes a day.  i have learned since being in j-land that there are hundreds of lonely depressed people out there who just need a friendly "hello, how are you today?".  i am not saying that all who frequent the computer via different avenues are lonely or depressed, just that i have met quite a few since being online.  but i also will say that there are many out there that have helped me make it through another day... whether with their inspirational comments/journals, or with their humor (mark graves comes to mind here, lol), or even with their beautiful pictures taken for their own pleasure, and shared with all of us.  to each and every person out there in journal land who has somehow touched my life......i offer a GREAT BIG

                       

A MUST

                       

tender, yet, tough..........

reaching toward the sky..........

higher......higher......higher yet........

out of control.............

shades of green.......

fuzzy heads, poof, gone...............

impressions from some unseen force...........

hot.........

muggy............

lazy mood...........

complaints..........none yet.........

but they're coming..................

responsibility.............

sigh..................

well.......it won't cut itself.........gotta go mow the lawn................

                                           

EMOTIONALLY DISTURBED

of late there have been alot of disturbing posts on the aol journal message board.  disturbing because their content points to the poster as being possibly emotionally disturbed.  being emotionally disturbed doesn't mean you have no right to be here, nor does it mean that you need to be institutionalized.  but it does mean you need help, in one form or another.  maybe someone here, a journaler, who is willing to help out, to give advice, or, just listen while souls are spilled forth.  maybe a professional therapist, or a psychiatrist, psychologist, pastor, priest.....close friends.  we all need someone from time to time.  there is nothing wrong with needing or asking for help.  there IS something wrong with knowing you need help, and not seeking it.  for anyone out there that feels i am speaking of you, and you wish to have someone to talk to, someone to listen to you and your needs, email me.  but be serious about wanting help.  if you are just playing, or messing with other's minds, then you are wasting my time and yours.  my heart goes out to those in need, no matter what that need is.  so please, instead of coming onto the message boards and blasting others, or filling posts with untruths, come forth and ask for help, and we can possibly work through whatever is bothering you.  my prayers and thoughts go with each and every one of you. 

REMEMBERED

                         

                     

i had to run errands today.  i usually go the same route to and from work, and see the same sights every time.  today, my errands took me to other parts of my county.  as i was driving home from completing my last errand, it suddenly hit me......i had seen about 6 roadside "shrines" while i had been out all day.  you know the ones, where someone has been killed, either by a car, or by murder.  a wreath, some stuffed animals, letters, candles, pictures.  all of a sudden, emotion overtook me, and i began to cry hysterically.  but by the grace of God, one of those "shrines" could have been for my 18 yr old daughter....or a good friend, or even for me.  each one represents someone's loved one.........someone's daughter, son, mother, father, aunt, uncle, etc.  some are kept up daily, with fresh flowers, new stuffed animals, etc.  others, after a few weeks, go unattended, and blow away, or are stolen.  i used to hear some say that they thought these "shrines" should be outlawed, because they caused drivers to divert their attention to them, and caused more accidents.  though i truly seriously doubt that, i don't think they should be outlawed.  to some, this is a way to find closure.  to some, this is the only way they can pay their respects to someone.  but mostly, because this is a reminder to many to be careful, to not drink and drive, to not go out alone.  maybe a life will be saved just because of one of these roadside "shrines".  i personally only know two who died on a road where a "shrine" was later started.  one was my 18 yr old step nephew, who intentionally drove his car into an embankment at 120 mph, because his wife, the mother of his child, didn't want to be with him anymore.  the other was a friend of my daughter's, who was 16, driving to school for the first time.  she made a terrible error in pulling out into traffic, and was hit by a school bus going over the limit of 55 mph.  tragic.....and there are hundreds and maybe thousands of these "shrines" all over the country.  if you have a loved one that passed this way, my heart goes out to you.  the picture i have enclosed here is one taken by d. winge and is in a cemetery, but i thought it still belonged here on this page.  blessings to you all, and may God comfort the grieving. 

HEADING THE RIGHT DIRECTION

Facing our Fears
by Dwight Thompson 

The winters of Montana are brutal. Certain breeds of cattle do not survive these winter storms. But one breed of cattle was introduced to the bitter blizzards and they survived.

Further examination discovered a unique difference in this breed.

While the other breeds of cattle would turn from the storms and die, this hardy, courageous breed would turn their face toward the storm and live.

We, as children of God, must always remember: Our Lord has already faced and defeated every storm we will ever face! The two words our Lord spoke over and over were, "Fear not."

Praise God!

$2000

TODAY, FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES, I HELD $2000 IN MY HANDS.  I HAVE NEVER ACTUALLY HELD THAT MUCH IN MY HANDS AT ONE TIME BEFORE.  IT FELT GOOD.  I AM NOT A MONEY WORSHIPPER, AND I WORK LONG HARD HOURS FOR MY MONEY, AND IMMEDIATELY UPON BEING PAID, I PAY MY BILLS UNTIL THE MONEY RUNS OUT.  BUT TODAY I FELT SO GOOD, HOLDING THAT MONEY.  NOT BECAUSE IT MADE ME FEEL RICH, NOT BECAUSE I "LOVE" MONEY, BUT BECAUSE, FOR A BRIEF TIME, MY BILLS ARE MOSTLY PAID, I HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE, AND I CAN SLEEP IN COMFORT AND PEACE FOR AT LEAST ANOTHER MONTH.  KNOWING THAT, AND THE FACT THAT THE MONEY WAS GIVEN TO ME WITH NO STIPULATIONS, MADE ME FEEL ECSTATIC.  OF COURSE, I AM BROKE AGAIN, LOL.  BUT FOR 20 MINUTES, I WAS ECSTATIC, LOL.  OK, NUF SAID.  PRAISE GOD FOR MY GOOD DAY. 

GOD IS AWESOME

                                        

i wanted everyone out there in j-land who has been praying for me and my financial situation to read this post in my journal........ first of all, thank you for your prayers, and well wishes.  second, i wanted you to know that God has answered these prayers, and mine, and in a manner i was not expecting.  i know in my heart that God is awesome, and that He always answers prayers, but sometimes He says WAIT, sometimes He says NO, sometimes He says, OK, BUT NOT RIGHT NOW, but this time, He said, OK, NOW IS THE RIGHT TIME.  i called a friend of mine from church, and while speaking to her, she told me i needed to talk to her husband.  i did so, and since he is a cpa, and financial counselor, i figured he could help me with some advice.  instead of just advice, he GAVE me $2000 to get me out of this current situation, and buy me some time to find something more affordable, or to get a roommate.  so, thanks again to you all, and may God bless each of you. 

MEMORIES (a fiction, cont'd)

someone reached out and touched her hand from the shadows.  she jumped, startled.....for there was never anyone in this house besides her of late.  it was dark in the room, shadows abounding everywhere.  but nothing moved.  as her eyes searched the shadows, she detected a scent......a scent that she had not experienced in almost a year......david.  ok, she thought, i am still asleep, and dreaming.  just then, the love letters she had clutched so tenderly earlier, fell from her hand, to the floor.  so she was awake.........how strange this felt.  she gathered the letters, and placed them back into the small bible, and was about to get up from the chair and go to another room, where she was a bit more comfortable, when she felt something touch her hair, as if pushing it aside from her face.  instinctively, she turned her head upward, and closed her eyes, awaiting the kiss of her beloved........and she was not disappointed.  how did she know this was about to happen?  david would always brush back her hair just before kissing her gently on her lips.  but she was no longer startled, but felt a sense of peace come over her.  he was here with her, she knew it.  suddenly tickles pounced on her feet, alerting her that it was time for playing.  she shook off the feeling she had from moments earlier, and followed the impatient tickles from the solace room.  once back out into the light of the living area, the strange but peaceful feelings from the other room dissapated.  she would not feel them again for several days.........and next time, it would be much more intense.............

DREAMS

      

I have to dream... I have to dream

What’s a dream
When there’s no chance
Of it coming true?
What’s the point
Of dreaming
Or wishing on a star
When the hope
Slowly dies
Day after day after day?

Maybe dreams do come true
But when you wish for it
Every day and every night,
Ever hour and
Every single minute
The chances of it
Coming true
Seems to fade with
The passing days.

So many dreams shattered
Broken inside and out
Never to be dreamt again,
And many dreams are lost
To the dreamer’s fading hope,
It’s so hard to believe
In the power of a dream
When the dream seems to
Stay a dream forever.

So why dream when
It gets you nothing?
Why hang on to lost dreams
When it seems like
They’re better off lost?
Why should I have faith?
Why should I be strong
When it seems like
It’s impossible to do?
Why should I keep dreaming?
Why should I even be?

I’m always dreaming,
Always wishing
Just for someone
To hold me through the night,
To wipe my tears away
And give me strength
When I have none,
But there’s no one
No one at all…

So the more I wish,
The more I dream,
The more I want
The more I cry.
My hopes fade
Little by little
And my dream drifts
Further away from
Reality every day,
The more it’s just
A dream

But what’s a dream
Without the dreamer?
And what’s a wish
Without the wisher?
Nothing…
Absolutely nothing.

Fading hopes
And fading dreams,
Yet still I
Have to believe, I
Have to hang on
To the dream
Cause I have
No other choice.

I am a dreamer
And I have to dream,
Even if my dream
Is just a dream
That’ll never come true,
I have to dream.
I have to…

author unknown

 

 

RHYTHM OF THE ROAD

 

Rhythm Of The Road

Should I drive to the desert
Should I drive to the sea
Maybe to the mountains
It doesn't matter to me
What is important
I am behind the wheel
With tires keeping time
In control, I feel
I lose uncertainty
In the rhythm of the road
As I find discovery
In the rhythm of the road

Next to me
A seat that is empty
Where he sat last night
Fragrance is gone
It feels wrong
But I know it's right
So I drive
To stay alive
One step ahead of my sins
So I drive
To keep alive
One step behind my dreams
Mysteries unfold
In the rhythm of the road
I lose doubt
In the rhythm of the road

Some solace, I do find
Some small peace of mind
Become a beam
In a river of light
As I journey
Deeper into the night
Don't need a map
To tell me where to go
Gather speed
Merge with the flow
And with the rhythm of road

Thinking of him
Beneath fairy tale skies
Is he seeing
The same stars as I
Am I killing time
Is time killing me
Speeding towards
My unknown destiny
Miles fly by
Moments of my life
The truth will unfold
In the rhythm of the road

Should I drive to the desert
Should I drive to the sea
Maybe to the mountains
It doesn't matter to me
Because in the end
I will find myself again
In the end
I will discover who I am
With the help of
The rhythm of the road.

NEW FRIENDSHIPS

yes, you read it correctly, my mood is happy.  not sure why, since i didn't come up with the $1000 needed to keep from being evicted next week, but then again........it should be quite obvious why i am happy..........i have new friends.  i have received such support both in the message board posts, as well as on my journal.  i have suffered depression and lonelines for some time, having no real family besides my daughter, who is 18, and no longer lives at home.  you might say that when i am not at work, i am a loner.  i sit in the quietude of my abode, and make jewelry while i watch tv, and journal.  occasionally i talk with my vegas friend when he calls.  that is my existence.  so it really makes me smile to know that occasionally someone thinks of me, and cares enough to put a thought or two online.  thank you all for helping me smile more.  i had forgotten how. 

FOR ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS

People come into your life for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime.

When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.  

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend, and they are!

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.

Sometimes they walk away.

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered, and now it is time to move on.  

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.

They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it!  It is real!

But, only for a season.  

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. 

author unknown

 

BETRAYAL

EVER BEEN SO FURIOUS WITH SOMEONE, YOU JUST WANT TO SCREAM OR HAMMER SOMETHING?  WHY DO PEOPLE FEEL IT IS IN YOUR BEST INTEREST TO ALWAYS PUT YOUR BUSINESS OUT ON THE STREET, TO SHARE YOUR PRIVACY WITH OTHERS?  THEY DO SO IN THE NAME OF "LOVE", "FRIENDSHIP", AND OTHER TITLES.  BUT IS IT REALLY?  OR DO SOME PEOPLE HAVE THIS INATE SENSE OF WANTING TO BE IN YOUR BUSINESS ALL THE TIME?  I KNOW I SHOULDN'T POST THIS HERE, FOR THE PERSON I AM SPEAKING OF IS SURE TO READ AND LEAVE ME A MESSAGE.  BUT I AM PAST THE POINT OF CARING ANYMORE.  MY LIFE SUCKS, AND IT APPEARS SO DO SOME OF MY "FRIENDS".  AND PEOPLE WONDER WHY I STAY SO DEPRESSED.  LIFE JUST ISN'T KIND TO ME LATELY.  SO WHY DO I BOTHER WITH IT????

A SMALL REPRIEVE

COURT GAVE ME AN OPPORTUNITY TO WORK SOMETHING OUT WITH MY LANDLORD, BUT THE DEAL HE AND I WORKED OUT ONLY DELAYS THE INEVITABLE.  I DON'T MAKE ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY THE RENT.  ROOMIE BACKED OUT ON ME AND NO ONE WILL CO-SIGN A LOAN WITH ME.  HOMELESSNESS DOES NOT APPEAL TO ME............BUT SOON I WILL BE INTIMATE WITH IT.  SIGH...........WHY CAN'T THE HONEST FOLKS IN THIS WORLD CATCH A BREAK?  I KNOW OTHERS OUT THERE ARE IN THE SAME OR WORSE MESS.  BUT DOESN'T MAKE YOUR OWN LITTLE HADES ANY EASIER.  SIGH...............................

DOOMED

the voices are telling me it is over.  i know michael would say to cheer up, be positive.  can't be positive anymore.  fight is gone.  all depends on court today.  if it goes my way, there may be hope.  if not, it was nice being here in j-land for my brief time.  i just don't have the fight anymore.  life has sucked it all out of me. 

MEMORIES (a fiction, cont'd)

her day went fairly uneventful until about dinnertime.  tickles was reminding her that having to feed herself was not an option today, so she went to the kitchen, watching carefully for the meandering tickles, and put down a bowl of kitty lickings tuna for her.  that done, she set herself to the task of her own meal.........what should she have?  after gazing in the freezer long enough to create ice crystals on the freezer ledge, she chose a package of chicken filets.  you can always do wonders with chicken filets.  there seldom was any chicken at all in the freezer when david had been alive.  he detested chicken, which was about the only thing she and he disagreed over.  when they would go out to dine ocassionally, she made it a point to order some sort of chicken dish.  he would grin at her from across the table, reach over and pat her hand, and say "enjoy, my love, for it may be another month before you enjoy again".  she always withdrew her hand quickly, smacked his playfully, and said "oh, you just don't know what i eat when you are not home!".  this was a sort of game for them.  when they had first married, she remembered how when she would fix a chicken dish for supper, he would get in the kitchen after she was done, and fix himself some noodles with butter and garlic.  after having this happen several times, she just gave up and stopped preparing chicken when david was home for lunch or dinner.  tonight, she prepared herself a nice little chicken cacciatore and sat in the living area, watching some television as she ate.  after cleaning away the dishes, she retired to her solace room, a room she and david had set up a few years after their daughter had moved out to go to college.  it was painted a nice muted yellow, the ceiling painted sky blue, and with a mural painted on one wall by david himself.  in the far upper right corner of the mural was a small depiction of an angel, watching over the couple portrayed in the main part of the mural.  when she looked at this mural now, she visually deleted david from the center, and placed him in the upper right corner.  he was her guardian angel.  in the middle of the room, a table was placed with a large family bible upon it, open.  there was also a picture of david, and of their daughter, along with a couple of taper candles.  sometimes when a neighbor would visit, they would comment on the "shrine" she had set up.  call it whatever they wanted, it gave her peace to see it there.  in the corner opposite the mural was an old rocking chair, salvaged from an old abandoned farm house by david, years ago.  he had seen an estate sale on his way home from a conference in another state, and upon entering and seeing some rather delapidated chairs and tables in the corner of the room, asked how much for the rocker.  the woman had said those were to be burned later, but if he wanted it, he could have it.  he took it apart to get it into the car, and brought it home.  he restored it to a beauty to behold, and it had sat in that corner ever since.  she had made a nice little quilted padding for it, and relished sitting in it to read, or to do a little cross-stitching.  on this occasion, she was looking at a few of the love letters david had sent her when he was in the service many years before.  she kept them tucked in a smaller bible by the rocker.  she layed her head back, holding the letters to her chest, and before long, fell asleep.  what was to happen next would confuse her in the months to come, and bring about joy, love, and fear........................

MEMORIES (a fiction, cont'd)

she had slept little that night, what with all those thoughts of david before she retired to bed.  the sheets felt colder than usual, and her heart emptier.  though she didn't blame God for taking david so early, she did ask him many times "why?".  theirs had been such a sweet love affair, and it was gone before its time.  their only daughter, who lived in arizona, had been devastated by the death of her father.  they had been close, even after she was transferred by her company so many miles away.  it just wasn't right, for him to die that way.  when someone is ill for some time, you slowly prepare yourself for their passing, but when something like this happens, you are not prepared.  she had always insisted they both get physicals every year since his fiftieth birthday, and they both received good reports every time.  so why an aneurysm?  silent death.  she knew she couldn't sit here all day and dwell on this, so she got up from her knitting chair, and went to the kitchen to fix her something to eat.  tickles, her tabby kitty, wanted to sample something too, so followed her to the kitchen.  this was unfortunate, for tickles ran between her feet, and caused her to trip, and as she fell, she hit her head on the corner of the china cabinet.  she was knocked out, cold.  it was hours later when she regained consciousness, and realized what had happened.  tickles had managed to tear into the cat food bag, and fed herself.  there was no one to call for help, for there were no family or friends nearby to where she lived.  she felt she was alright, so got up and cleaned her wound, bandaged it, and skipped food, opting for some television.  soon, she was asleep, remote in hand.  dreams of david took over her repose.  she dreamed she passed on, and met david in heaven, happy once again for eternity.  when the first rays of dawn came across her face, she awoke with a start.  reality again.....

MEMORIES (a fiction)

she walked onto the porch, glass of sweet tea in hand.  as she sat on the swing and settled her skirt around her, she noticed the cicadas were in full voice tonight.  she remembered how she and david used to sit here like this, his arm around her, her head on his shoulder, listening to the song of the night.  she really missed him.  it had been almost a year.  her thoughts drifted back to when they first met, at the local county fair.  she was manning the kissing booth.  he kept handing her dollar bills........and wouldn't let anyone else in line.  finally, he got up the nerve to ask her to accompany him to the community picnic the next day.  she shyly agreed, thinking "i don't know this man.  and i just agreed to go on a picnic with him.  what am i thinking?"  but then she remembered how nice it was to have him kiss her all those times on her cheek.  the picnic was wonderful, and from that day forward, they were together every chance they had.  a few months later, david was called into service for his country.  he wanted her to marry him before he had to ship out, but she said it wasn't a good idea to just marry because of the war.  she would be there, awaiting him with open arms, after he had fought hard for his country.  he had cried when he left her for overseas, but it gave him something to fight hard for.......to return to her, to marry her, to have a family with her.  he did return, fully intact, and they had married on a beautiful spring day, with all of God's glory bursting forth around them, in a garden wedding.  sitting here now on the porch, thinking back to that time, brought tears of love, joy, and sadness to her eyes.........................

DEPRESSION

shuffling feet upon the floor,

darkness throughout the house.

doesn't check the locks on the door,

nor cares she has no spouse.

 

depression has taken o'er,

infiltrated mind and soul.

she couldn't get too much lower,

for life has taken it's toll.

 

once there was laughter and glee,

where silence now abounds.

no happiness to any degree,

so no reason for it's sounds.

 

a child grown up and gone away,

two abandoning husbands too.

nothing to make her want to stay

just things to make her blue.

 

her heart craves love, of any kind,

to fill her days with smiles.

instead, depression fools her mind;

destroys, degrades, defiles.

 

she feels she has failed all,

and doesn't deserve to live.

first, she stumbles, then comes the fall.

she has no more to give.

 

her ears hear the cries of friends,

beseeching her to carry on.

all she sees is where the road ends,

and has reached it all alone.

 

is there hope for such as she,

to help her see the light?

can there be hope. oh can there be?

to help her in her fight?

 

the key here though is that she's done,

she's through fighting for the prize.

she has no more spirit left to run

she just gives up and dies.

 

if you know someone like this,

don't let them sink this low.

never an opportunity miss

to help them rise up, and grow.

 

it may be too late for her,

for all seem to have gone away.

no more is there any anger,

just depression, loneliness, dismay.

 

LOVE'S DEATH

 

 

 

 

my nights once were filled with joy,

for love was mine to hold.

now loneliness seeks to destroy

and turn my heart ice cold.

 

so special was the love we shared, 

we would meet, though miles apart.

in the shadows our souls were bared,

where now lies my wounded heart.

 

does love die when things go wrong,

or does it just lie still?

and where is the cherished song

of the bird upon my windowsill?

 

no more will i see the sun,

no more a full moon view.

no more will i to the shadows run

nor will i taste the morning dew.

 

A DAY

amazing the difference a day can make, good or bad.  one minute you are soaring high above the clouds, the next, you find your wings have been clipped and you are plummeting to the ground, with no chance of survival. 

bird, soaring high,

hunter, taking aim.

bird, knowing not death is nigh.

hunter, his prize to claim.

we never know when the hunter's bullet will find it's target.  we never know when our time is o'er, and our soaring is done.  take time to love the loveless, listen to the unheard, hold dear the precious few moments in your life, and never let go.  walk barefoot in clover.  smell fresh mown grass, watch the mist clear at daybreak.  hug your child, kiss away their grimy tears, and tell them you love them.  don't miss chances, for they come and go too quickly.

TO MY FRIEND

someone once said

friendship cannot be

if you never meet face to face

in reality.

 

i am here to testify

they are sadly mistaken.

for one of my dearest friends

has never me forsaken.

 

she's there for me

no matter what the plight.

we even act like sisters,

enjoying a good fight.

 

but i have never met her

and hugged her neck you see.

for she is an online friend

who means the world to me.

written by REGINA

 

the purple pictures are for my friend..........who loves purpods. 

SUPPORT

i posted a question on the message board and got a few responses of support, and that made me feel good.  i have wanted to start my own business for some time, even if it is only part time, but i don't know the in's and out's of doing so.  i found out through this message board there are always people who are willing to offer their advice or help, and that is great.  feedback is vital in today's world, in personal lives as well as business ventures.  so to all of those who responded to me, thanks. 

 

now, to my new journal friends, the ones who send me daily comments and emails, thanks.  you have become the bright spots here and there in my life.  i want to especially thank tabitha for her wonderful loving and giving spirit.  there are so few people in this world with her attitude toward life. 

 

FOURTH OF JULY

holidays are not my favorite thing.  i usually spend them alone......often even mother's day.  i have started this entry several times, and each time i looked at it, and it sounded way too depressing.  most of my entries are such, and even though today is one of those dreaded "holidays", i am not feeling in a festive mood.  but i felt i had to write something.  so i sat here for a few minutes, contemplating what to write, and suddenly, i knew what i was going to write.  since starting my online journal, i have become quite addicted to not only writing and working on my own, but reading and responding to others as well.  a few nights ago, i happened upon a journal which i couldn't read without getting a terrible headache.  the words were misspelled, the sentences were disjointed, and it was a grammatical disaster.  being an english major, i couldn't resist the opportunity to rush to the comment page, and post a comment, as well as a desire to help this person learn proper english and grammar, as well as spelling.  i received a response and it has changed my life.  improper grammar/english/spelling has always been a pet peeve of mine.  i never realized that my constant need to correct someone was actually a charactor flaw, and that "I" was the one with the problem.  the person to whom i directed my comments wrote me a grammatically disastrous email, but in that email i saw a kind, loving, compassionate human being who had lived a painful and abusive life.  a person who took my comment not as an attack on their inability to write properly, but as an offer to help them better themself.  this person reached out a hand of  friendship to me, and hopefully we will develop a friendship bond that will last forever.  her writings still give me a horrible headache, but heck, aspirin is cheap.  so this entry is in homage to that new friend, a person, who in one email, taught me what kind of person i had become.  thank you my friend, for helping me, when i thought it was i who could help you.  my suggestion to all of you is to never leave a stone unturned, never offer advice without offering friendship first, and learn to be compassionate and loving to all, even though they don't fit into our little "box" of expectancies.  this new friend has not only enlightened me, but enriched my life in the brief 2 days i have known her.  so, go out and find a new friend, and the more different they are from yourself, the richer your relationship will be.  enjoy your fourth.

PATHWAYS

 

 

i wasn't going to add another entry tonight.  it is way past my bedtime, but my friend, the illustratedfrog, sent me a link to her boyfriend's pictures, and i just had to go nosing around in his gallery tonight.  once i open his gallery, i am lost for hours.  he missed his calling the first part of his life..... should have been a photographer.  so, david, thanks for being so talented, and hope you don't mind me using this one pic here.  it sorta describes life in general, the complexities of which when come together..........   are absolutely beautiful. 

THE JOY OF A FROG

THE DRYER, PART ONE

maybe i should have entered "silly" as my mood, for i am actually being silly by using the wingdings above.  but alas, this is about the frogs, not me.  i have a "landing" as opposed to a porch on the front of my house.  this "landing" is about 3 foot by 3 foot, and has 3 steps up to it.  i have a toad abode that i bought years ago, and i put it on the "landing" for looks.  but shortly after i put out the toad abode, there appeared two toads.  i assumed they were living in the abode, but obviously not.  i have an area rug slung over my "landing" railing, and it comes about an inch above the concrete.  when i walked up on my "landing" this evening, the two little toads hopped out from under the lip of the rug, and scared me to death, lol.  i usually have to shoo them out of my way when i come in at night, but this time, they came out to greet me it seemed.  the other night i was sitting in my living room, on the sofa, which is up against the front wall, under a couple of windows.  i was working on my handmade jewelry when suddenly i hear this really strange throaty noise right behind me.  scared the bejeebers out of me.  my cat from hades was sitting next to me on the sofa, and she stood up, all fur standing on end.  i just knew we had been possessed by the devil himself, lol.  i pulled up the blinds, and behind a little keykeeper i have on the window ledge outside was a tree frog.  omg, i love tree frogs!  i have had tree frogs in every house i have lived in, and in one residence, i had three that would let me pet them, and hold them.  i was being serenaded by a baby tree frog.  how cute.  ok ok, i know, not everyone loves toads or tree frogs, but hey, it was exciting for me, since i live such a mundane life.  so, that is my story of the frog and toads.  you have to give me credit for at least having an entry with some glee and happiness. 

 

SOLITUDE

ALONE, QUIET,HELD CAPTIVE BY MY SOLITUDE.  DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A BAD THING.  DEPENDS ON ONES THOUGHTS.  WHEN MY DAUGHTER WAS LIVING WITH ME, I OFTEN PRAYED FOR MOMENTS OF SOLITUDE.  TIME TO GET A GRIP ON LIFE, TO ORGANIZE MY THOUGHTS, OR JUST TIME TO BE QUIET, REFLECT, AND RELAX.  NOW I HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD.  BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR.  MORE OFT THAN NOT I AM JUST PLAIN LONELY.  WHEN I WAS YOUNGER AND THESE MOMENTS HIT ME, I WOULD GET IN MY CAR AND JUST DRIVE THROUGH THE COUNTRY, WINDOWS WIDE OPEN, WIND BLOWING MY HAIR.  NOW, GAS PRICES LIMIT HOW FAR I CAN GO, SO MOST TIMES, BETTER TO JUST STAY HOME.  I USED TO READ.  IT HELPED ME THROUGH THE TIMES OF LONELINESS.  I COULD PUT MYSELF INTO THE MIDST OF MANY SCENARIOS, MAKING ME FEEL LIKE I WAS LIVING OUT THE WORDS ON THE PAGES.  I WRITE MORE NOW THAN I READ.  NOT SURE WHY.  BUT I CAN ONLY ASSUME IT IS THERAPEUTIC.  AHHHHH, THE NIGHT IS COMPLETE NOW.  FIRST, THE THUNDERSTORM PASSED THROUGH, NOW THE LONELY TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS.  IF ONLY THE NEAR FULL MOON WOULD SHOW IT'S FACE, IT WOULD ALL BE PERFECT. 

MOMENTS IN LIFE

MOMENTS IN LIFE

There are moments in life when you miss someone
so much that you just want to pick them from
your dreams and hug them for real!

When the door of happiness closes, another opens;
but often times we look so long at the
closed door that we don't see the one,
which has been opened for us.

Don't go for looks; they can deceive.
Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.
Go for someone who makes you smile,
because it takes only a smile to
make a dark day seem bright.
Find the one that makes your heart smile.

Dream what you want to dream;
go where you want to go;
be what you want to be,
because you have only one life
and one chance to do all the things
you want to do.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong,
enough sorrow to keep you human and
enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily
have the best of everything;
they just make the most of
everything that comes along their way.

The brightest future will always
be based on a forgotten past;
you can't go forward in life until
you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying
and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so at the end,
you're the one who is smiling and everyone
around you is crying.  

author unknown

THE FUNERAL

i attended a funeral on thursday afternoon.  a dear lady 83 years young was laid to rest.  i haven't been to a funeral in years,  and wasn't sure i was going to this one.  but then i remembered the sweetness of this woman, the way she quietly eased herself into your heart.  i remembered the last time i saw her, a couple months ago, on her birthday.  the sunday school class of which she and i were a part threw her a birthday party at the church.  she was on oxygen and in a wheel chair, after suffering a stroke, but was still smiling the best she could, and tried to communicate her love for all of us.  God has her in his arms now, and she is finally without pain and happy.  i didn't shed any tears at her funeral, for i knew it wasn't a farewell, it was a homecoming.....she was being joined with the ones she had loved in life that had passed on before her.  and she was with our Savior.  a joyous occasion for sure. 

 

MY MOMENTS OF MADNESS

my heart is heavy tonight.  i look into my mirror, and i see sadness, where once was happiness.  i hurt a friend tonight, and know though he says he is not hurt, i know he must feel pain.  it was brief, but nonetheless it hurt.  how can i be so insensitive?  this is not me, not the way i am, or want to be.  what has life done to me, to make me this way?  all i can hope for is to have him forgive me.  his friendship is precious to me.